Negative thinking has its place

        Ok, so this post is a little more serious than what you're used to. It's just something I've been thinking about that has to do with some of my deeper thoughts and feelings that motivate this blog. It is in part a reaction to this New York Times article. Feel free to scroll down to below the picture if you're reading ONLY to laugh :)


       I am all about thinking positively, but that doesn’t mean I’m into positive thinking. At least, not in the self-help book, trick-your-mind-and-suppress-your-real-feelings kind of way. When I want to focus on the positive, the last thing I want to do is ignore reality. Rather, I confront reality, negative and all, head-on. Accept it, deal with it, learn from it, and move on, gleaning as much good and positive as possible along the way. Some of the negative can be simply skimmed over or pushed aside because it's not worth our energy, but other negative thoughts need to be dealt with and worked through before we let them go; otherwise they slow us down and prevent us from reaching our potential. If not properly dealt with, those negative thoughts and situations transform our attempts at progress into future failures.  

        One of the most helpful skills I was taught as I struggled with negative thoughts was to think about what I am thinking about. If I don’t, my thoughts will control me instead of vice versa. I mean, we are constantly thinking, and it takes practice and effort to be aware enough to control every thought. But learning to do it changed my life.

        I learned to do it by using a chart with three columns—one for my thought (any thought, negative or positive), one to note whether or not that thought caused me distress, and another one to write a new, more positive version of that thought. (One important thing to remember is to be completely honest and non-judgmental). Here is an example from my sister:

Thought	Cause distress?	If yes, how can I change the thought to be more positive?
This medication is never going to work.	Yes	I might as well try the medication. After talking with a few doctors, this is what they feel is best. Based on the information I have, this is the best choice I can make. I’ll just give it a shot and either it will work and I’ll start feeling better, or else it won’t work and we’ll figure something else out. I’ll think more about that when it comes to that point; no use worrying about it now.

        Filling in a chart like this one was hard for me to do. Something I realized is that adjusting a particular thought to make it positive is much more difficult—but also more productive—than simply turning the thought around. For example, the end thought in the above chart is much more reasonable than the possible alternative, “I really need to stop being so negative. This medication is going to work great!” If you do that, then all you faith, hope, and happiness rest on only one possible outcome. As soon as that outcome doesn’t become reality, then all good feelings dissipate. One of the major keys to happiness is flexibility. It is in our flexibility that we develop and refine the incredibly useful skill of problem-solving. We also learn to be satisfied even when things turn out differently than we’d hoped.           

        Being flexible means being open to a variety of scenarios and solutions so that, once we have all the details, we can choose the best possible plan of action. Preparing for all scenarios, including worst-case, can leave us feeling vulnerable and powerless, but ultimately gives us more control than anything. When we really visualize the worst thing that could happen, we often realize that it’s not as bad as we think it is. We also gain more appreciation for what we have now (refer to news article, sixth paragraph).   

        In the spirit of this blog, I’ll close with a humorous example (true story with some slight changes in detail) where being flexible helped me to problem-solve. Last Monday evening I went with a guy named Sam to an awesome smoothie place (if you know me, you know I love smoothies!!). Since I had never been there before, I took some time before ordering, trying a few different free samples and becoming BFFs with the cashier girl in the process. Finally, I ordered. Sam and I got a table and stayed there talking and enjoying our smoothies until about 9:30 p.m. By then the owner had come around and we chatted with him for just a few minutes before leaving. Apparently, since Sam works in the same shopping center as the smoothie place, he goes there often during the day and knows the owners a little bit. All in all, it was a great experience!

        Later that same night, I was texting with a boy named Michael when he invited me to go with him to breakfast the next morning. Awesome. Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day! He told me he knew about this great place that makes a certain kind of smoothies, and after some quick thinking, I realized he must be talking about the same place I’d just been to with this other guy (since there is only one of them)! For some reason, I decided to play it off as if I’d never tried it—without actually saying I’d never tried it. I guess I wanted him to feel like he was sharing something new with me? So I said yes J.

        Anyway, it wasn’t until the next morning when I was getting ready for my date that I visualized all the things that could go wrong in this situation. The same people could be working and recognize me from the night before. They could accidentally say something about me being with a different guy, or at least give away the fact that I’m not completely new to this type of smoothie. And, worst-case scenario, Sam could come in on a break from work at the same time we were there. Talk about awkward!

        When I realized all of this, it made me very uncomfortable to think about it! So at first I told myself, “There’s no way all of that will happen! Don’t even worry about it!” but then I still felt unprepared, so I tried telling myself, “Well, I’ll wear my hair differently today and I will be very decisive about which smoothie I want, so chances are that even if it is the same girl working, she won’t recognize me. The owner won’t recognize me for sure, because he only saw me for a minute anyway.” Now that made me feel a little bit better, but the point was, I still wasn’t prepared for the worst, and there was a definite possibility it could happen! So instead of just ignoring it, I forced myself to imagine the worst, and thought about what I could do to minimize any potential damage/awkwardness. I decided that after Michael picked me up I would honestly tell him I had just been to the smoothie place the night before for the first time. Then if anyone at the shop said something, he would at least know why. And if Sam just happened to come in at the same time . . . well, I would play it by ear and handle it the best I could. I mean, that would be pretty funny, right? If nothing else, it would give me a great story for my blog!

        It was definitely not pleasant for me to think about the worst-case scenario in this situation, but it put me at ease knowing I was prepared for it! I recognized what I had control over and prepared a plan of action, and I decided to not worry about the things I couldn’t control because there was nothing I could do about it anyway! Sometimes life is best when we just love whatever comes our way.

        Since you’re probably wondering what happened here . . . Michael came to pick me up that morning and he started telling me about these smoothies. In a tactful way, I said, “It’s funny you asked me to do this today, because I actually just tried one for the first time last night!” and it was no big deal. As it turned out, we didn’t end up going to the same place after all! Instead, we drove to his house and there he blended the homemade version. It was delicious! And even more so because in this situation, I ended up with the best-case scenario! I felt so relieved and grateful. Sometimes all we can do in a situation like that is laugh about it!